I do not know why people hurt me so much... i am kicking my self in the ass. because of everything... rummors are flying. that i am pregant some that i am pregnant with my cousins baby... and i am sick of people talking shit it fucking pisses me off... i am sick of talk i am scared enough of being pregnant as it is... apparently i look pregnantish but i dunno... i am too scared to tell my mom... and people are spreading rumors mostly justin... and i don't know why he is saying shit... i think he is just pissed off that i was with another guy besides him... if he didn't want me to be with someone else then he should have asked me out i waited for him for four years and all summer. it makes me so madd.... i told him because i trusted him... and because i loved him.. he hasn't talked to me in a month... i am so scared and hurt and i hate gossip... exspecially when i can't truthfully deny it...i don't like me very much right now... a guy in my school told my friend katie to tell me to stop looking over at him and she said why i love aleah she is nice and he said yeah nice enough to get pregnant with her cousins baby.. i am pissed... first off i was extreamly drunk... and i DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO HAVE SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and yet that little bit is left out in any gossip... why can't any one defend me i was wrong i admit... BUT I AM PAYING FOR IT.... GOD HELP ME.... i need you now.... i need some one anyone just to confort me... i am so upset i don't know what to do... and there is no i can trust... because rumors fly... and the only one i trust is katie... I AM SCARED I AND I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW... i don't know what to do... but i just want to fall off the earth and make this all stop and go away.

i don't really know anymore i seem to have lost that long ago... in the past i was always a different person everyday i seemed to have lost the true me then. so no who i am is who ever it pretend to be for that particular momment ... i dunno... i was so unpopular but now i have men chasing me down. i have one that tells me i would make a hell of a house wife, two asked me out i turned one down and told the other i didn't know. i had one really annoying loser kid tell me i was beatuiful... i had and ex tell the kid who says i'd be great house wife that i was the best girlfriend he has ever had... apparently he wants to go back out with me... i duno the one i turned down in turn said i was a whore and that i was easy.... (HOW THE FUCK WOULD HE KNOW???)... seriously he got pissed because i didn't want to date him... well i don't date men that have the maturity level of a toddler. and he is way to imature.. he pisses me off. any way the second one jimmy is only fifteen he hasn't hit puberty yet and he is too young i am i am turing seventeen he just turned fifteen... he is not my type... and i think i might have a thing for house wife boy but i am afarid he is too much of a womanizer and that that would be and abusive realtionship which I DO NOT NEED... so i dunno its weird. i dyed my hair red.. last night just the tips... any way i am going to go no but yeah i'll i keep you up dated. the aren't i love with me
the are inlove with the person i temporarly pretend to be.

Die, deny and kill much more
salvage my soul whats left of me
broken and torn a bloody mess
change, derange, so gone now.
fall forever, fade too fast, sleep slips through my hands
you keep me up with such sad thoughts
adolences fades away.
sick in the morning tired all day
ankles swell so much
drunken days behind me now.
take care of whats inside
take care of me, i know you wont
look what we have created now.
damaged pride, a wounded soul
risked a lot and lost too much.
gained something deep inside
Die, Deny it can't hurt much more then this.

i drank entirly too much last night... i puked up pure alchol... to much soda (coke cola) and vodka. we played asshole last night (a card game) and i was the asshole i lost like every round and i had to drink when ever i lost or broke a rule... it was my first time playing i broke a lot of rules. I SAW JUSTIN YESTERDAY.... it was the best day ever!!!!!!!!! it was great... i love him so damn much... i dunno how to begin to explain what happened. but it was great!! so i spent half the night with my head in the toliet puking... (eewwww gross) but i woke up with out a hangover i am glad for that... i am sick of partying i always feel like shit after.... but i don't mind going to justins but my sisters house is where we party... shit i hate going over there because u are expected to party.... but anyways. leave some love for me here...

i was just proposed to... i am so happy of course i said yes... the wedding of course is august 28 2007 i am so happy and i get to see justin the day after tomorrow yay sex... and then i was promoted at d2 d(squared) not d two. i am very excied.. .too bad the ring is a little to small for my ring finger. but still we are getting married... a reality.